In today's world, you can order literally anything to be delivered to you. You can have almost anything you want immediately. You want something, you go - you buy it - done. Can't find it, look online. And with this, I have found that we have become not just a digital world, one full of instant gratification, but also one of the idea that if I can't find what I want in this space/time I'll find it elsewhere. In that vein, I'm talking about people. I have been single for some time and it has been the most transformative time in my life. Recently, I hung out with someone who is going through a break up right now and as she described their relationship, how sudden it was, how out of the blue - it made me think. It really sounded like they were great but one thing didn't fit right away and he left. Look, I don't know them or their situation. I definitely don't know this guy and don't claim to assume BUT it did get me thinking. Are we that way? Are we so conditioned to just swipe through life that we have this idea about the grass literally always being greener somewhere else?
Being single and having just moved to a new city, I get to see and hear a lot. I am an observer after all. And so far, what I have observed I've fund that yeah - that's exactly what we've become. At some point (I'm guilty of this too) we've crossed the line from, "well, there are plenty of fish in the see" to a "NEXT!" mentality. To me, this just fucks things up so royally. Like, think about this: the goal as a human is to be genuine, right? To be your most authentic self and make an authentic connection with someone, right? Well, at least for me it is. But then there is like this invisible 30 second judgement gap where it seems you have like 30 seconds to appeal to another person before their attention span wonders off. This leads to being fake to try to be what they want or appear a certain way, it only leaves enough space for surface level BS, and it sets the foundation of the relationship to be delicate with this unlined sense of, "at any moment you could hear the person yell, "NEXT!" because of whatever nonsense they felt like; maybe that's just how they're feeling that day.
Now, on one hand that is great and yes there are lots of people and you could spend a large portion of your life swiping and if you want going on dates with strangers to see who's interesting. So as many people that say "next" to you, you could say that to. But here in lies my problem. I do not like that. I can't do it (hence the #singlestatus maybe). I refuse to believe (and I think I'm right) that you can have any kind of even friendship-based connection with someone in that kind of setting. Speaking of setting, let's talk about that: why is it so much easier and agreeable to meet someone for a drink than for a coffee? To get drunk with a strangers, than to have dinner with them? Because we are conditioned. I get it, that questions was rhetorical. I understand but I'm not happy about it. I feel like there is a certain pressure or stress with something like dinner (actually speaking to someone, actively getting to know them) that many people are not prepared for or accustomed to or conditioned for. It's like, okay, I know how to go out and meet people and drink and whatevs..that is familiar to me so it's cool. I do not know how to sit and make conversation with someone, so that feels stressful. I will also note about setting that you usually have a lot of people around at a bar so easier to be multi-tasking secretly to appease our very short attention spans (it's a notable trick).
Anyway! So here's the current dilemma:
A) For all of my 20s (I used them well) I pretended to but actually actively avoided genuine connection - I am very good at this. I am very familiar with surface level interaction, boy can I be petty AF if I want to, I can go from woman to woman without a second thought and no, I won't call you back...until the next time I'm drunk and want you to swing by. (Asshole - but it's true and it worked - just saying).
B) The past year and a half or so, I have worked very hard to change that about myself. I am all zen and shit. I have worked to be more mature, centered, grounded, and focused. I want to be a good person, a good partner, and take a genuine interest and be connected to people in a real way. I am, now, the best me I have ever been and I am very proud of that. Growing all the time, of course, but you get what I am saying. Nothing like I used to be, especially when it comes to women.
The issue here is that people do not respond as well to Ami B as they do to Ami A. Like, they don't know what to do with Ami B. Personally, I am a fan and to be honest I am working on more a of a balance between the two. My life is seemingly very polar right now and that's just not necessary. Anyway! So, people don't get Ami B, don't know what to do with her. When I (for some brief moments) revert to Ami A, which is always a hell of a good time, it works out at least for that moment. I do have a deep seeded fear though that meeting someone via the Ami A avenue will lead to relationships that Ami A had...that don't work, ever and are very false and unhealthy and I don't want that. This may be irrational but these are my thoughts so fuck off.
I guess my questions is: is it possible to meet someone in the Ami A way, brief probably boozed and surface level and have that still potentially form into the relationship that Ami B wants?? Yes, the answer is yes - right? And I just need to chill and have fun and enjoy people, however that happens, and get over my irrational fear that I am cursed. Right? Right.
Is there a balance to be found or do I go all Buddha and say fuck it, because if they don't like my zen and good person goals they aren't someone I would want to be with anyway. But then what happens should they ever see Ami A type stuff..then they'd be real confused. I think my mission to true authenticity is to accept that these are both my truths; I can and do live in both "worlds" and that's okay, great in fact.
To be authentic and embrace my truths means all of them...not just the ones I think people will like best.
In that vein,
Cool. So for anyone, including myself, wondering:
This is me:
This is also me:
K, thanks. This was great.
P.S. Social experiment Part A of all of this: Nice guy; Part B: Swagger master; Part C: The Balancing Act. Currently trying out Act B. Let's see what works. I will keep you updated.
P.S.S. If you are going to know me, date me, be my friend, or otherwise exist in shared spaces with me, ever - just know you are or will at some point probably be an unknowing participant in my very public, (not so) "secret," social experiments. Try to act natural, it works better that way. Welcome to my life. FOR SCIENCE!