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Part 4: Realization & Forgiveness

So, I talked about "aggressive women" and "nice guys." I talked about my social observance and trends that I like and don't like. In my last blog, I talked about feeling very polar with my outgoing self and zen self; feeling like there has to be this choice between Ami A and Ami B; that the two cannot peaceful co-exist and benefit the planet - this and that - you get it, I hope. I have had this very polar thought, like internal dichotomy thing going on for a long time. It usually reveals a deep inner conflict I'm not seeing at first.

And this is how I explore, learn, grow, cope, and move forward with these types of things...

After trying out some social experiment and doing some self-exploration, digging deep - it came down to this:

Once upon a time, years ago, I treated someone young and kind and who really almost looked up to me in a way that no person should be treated. Looking back, I cannot believe that anyone, much less me could ever say the things I said to her or treat anyone the way I treated her. I have tried to talk to people about this but most knowing another, very different side of me just don't believe me or don't believe I was as heartless as I was. I hear like, "yeah, right, I bet you're fine. You're just hard on yourself." That is usually really true but not in this case. Anyway, it was beyond dick move and there was no reason for it, she didn't deserve it. I was just incredibly hurt, numb, and heartless thus I treated her that way. I have spent the past years always feeling guilty for that, regretting it, and blaming myself. I've spent years being surprised and disgusted and angry with myself. I made excuses and justified this for a long time but in recent years I just couldn't anymore. The blame, shame, and guilt ate away at me so much that I came to believe that I was inherently "bad." That anyone I came into contact with, smiled at, flirted with, or anything else would be hurt. That I, by default, hurt people. I set out to try to change that. I set out so strongly to try to change that, that I started behaving in polar opposite ways. Now, look, I am a nice person - a "good" person, but I am talking about going so far as to not look women in the eye because I didn't want them to think I was flirting with them because if they thought that and talked to me I would hurt them. BS like this. I would not go out for drinks with anyone anymore because that would potentially lead to "me taking advantage of them." This is not true, I know and the people I'm talking about are adults, they make their own choices, and I am not at all the monster I created myself to be in my head. But...that's what I convinced myself I was. That for someone to talk to me was dangerous. That I am some sort of curse, destined to devastate. That it would be best for everyone if I just avoid certain situations/scenarios/people.

I felt so guilty about how I treated this one person when I was much younger than I am now, that I was making myself pay all this time; making myself secluded and awkward; taking on this introverted and loner character so people wouldn't approach me. Taking on the label of "bad." It's so sad, really. I somehow, at some point, took on this idea that in order to be a good person like I strive to be, I had to be the opposite of what I am. This meant the charismatic, charming, outgoing, fun, light-hearted, friends with everyone "social butterfly," and perpetual flirt had to die; at least, that's what I convinced myself. Now, you may have caught glimpses but you may have also witnessed my "wrangling her in" when I get "too crazy" but looking someone in the eye, smiling, and actually speaking words....

The aforementioned being my natural state. Don't get me wrong, I can nerd out with the best of em and I will absolutely judge you based on spelling and punctuation, but for the most part I just really love people and laughing and having a good time...naturally.

In efforts to avoid "asshole-ness" though, I replaced my nature state with an isolated, secluded, socially awkward, "traditional," very weird, "I don't even know how to fake this shit" version of myself is the epitome of "good."

Look, I know I am not alone in this. Most people just maybe don't write about it and share it with the interwebs. That's cool. I'm sure you fuckers have something that you do or don't do because of someone in your past. An ex girlfriend told you they don't like your hair a certain way so you either keep it that way always to say F you to them or don't ever do it again because other women may not like it either. Maybe you dress a certain way or speak or don't a certain way because an ex boyfriend broke up with you for being "too flirty." You ain't gotta lie to kick it, I know. You also could just not saying anything because I'm the only one blogging here.

The good news is, we have a new chance every, single day to learn and grow and change, and I tend to take great advantage of that. I reached out to that person. I apologized. I asked for forgiveness and even if she can't do that or I never hear back, I can start to forgive myself. I am not a terrible person. That situation is not my character but nor do I need to try to fake or pretend being a saint; nor do I need to "make amends" or make myself "pay" for it. I need to forgive myself for it. I was doing the best I could with what I knew at the time. Even if I wasn't, that happens. I need to let it go and forgive myself and now, I can work on that.

And that's okay.

It's all okay, whatever it is.

This is all part of my truth and that's okay. It doesn't define me though and it surely doesn't need to influence presenting a fraudulent me to the world.

Thank you to my friends who helped me work this out, identify the root cause, and who straight up said, "wow, I'm going to need you to stop being so mean to my friend" when I talked about myself. You're right. Your friend is pretty alright, as is.

Thank you to all of you that made it this far in this journey with me. I appreciate you.

Love, Ami